Nothing rhymes with “orange.” I’ll leave America’s choice at that and encourage you to watch comedian John Mulaney’s stand-up, where he describes President Trump’s (you salute the rank, not the man) first term as a horse loose in a hospital. Alright, I’m sorry, I can’t leave at that . . .
Boats are expensive. Dockage and moorage fees (always padded with local municipality charges), haul-outs and launches, seasonal prep – new zincs, bottom paint – not to mention the endless gremlins needing attention: the gelcoat crack, the finicky winch, the running light that won’t stay green. So how do we stop this watery waste?
Let’s start with your boat’s interior. You don’t need three bilge pumps. Let’s pull out two of them. That’ll be fine because like you said earlier, you’ve never needed all three bilge pumps and they’ll fetch good money on Craigslist. And three sets of sails? Please, pick one and let’s sell the rest. Same goes for the brass clock and barometer and that dinner bell-looking item. Right? You’ve never really relied on those to navigate and they’ll bring big money at the consignment shop. The navigation station is nice, but let’s pull that VHF (you’ve got a smart phone, buddy!) and the single sideband you’ve not used in ten years – pull and sell. On deck I see you’ve got three winch handles? Those things are big money and you’re hoarding them – sell two. Same with the fenders. Keep one. What? Are you a boathook collector, brother? Sell the two you’re not using. Same with anchors; you only need one anchor, sailor!
And your boatyard bill – why are you paying for a dock or mooring? You’re throwing money overboard. Haven’t you ever looked at these expenses? It’s crazy. You have this big, beautiful ocean and you’re paying someone a lot of money to tie up your boat. Anchoring is free, buddy. Free. And freedom is how you need to be thinking when it comes to paying to register or document your boat – that’s not American. Ditch it, brother. Believe me, sail free like how your ancestors did and like how everyone did before the government got in the way. Make boating great again!
Believe me, this quick review should’ve been done ages ago and it’s really a scam it wasn’t because I’ve saved you thousands of dollars. That’s money you were letting be stolen from your beautiful family. And a lot of people are saying what you did with all this excess wasn’t prudent seamanship – it was waste. And in my opinion, I’m not saying it is or isn’t, but the word fraud sounds okay with the way you’ve been acting. Some people might call it fraud. I don’t know if it’s fraud, but I’ve heard it called fraud. Many people might think it was fraud.
So, now as the 2025 season breaks and the waters give us a dappled display, you’re boating in a new and inexpensive way. Awesome, right? Eh, maybe not so much.
First off, anchoring isn’t free. Time limits, designated anchorage zones, overnight restrictions, and liveaboard prohibitions vary by jurisdiction. And while there’s no law requiring multiple anchors, boathooks or winch handles, the prudent mariner carries backups. If you don’t – and something goes sideways – you might see your insurance claim denied and/or you might find it difficult to mount a defense to a claim. And that dinner-bell-looking thing? It’s required by law on certain vessels per Rule 33 of the Navigational Rules. Depending on your boat’s size and how it’s being used (inshore, offshore, recreational or commercial), you might also be required to have a VHF Marine Radio aboard. And as for documentation and registration, there are a bunch of laws about how and when you have to document and/or register your vessel – laws that keep some sanity to this whole boating endeavor and provide a sensible way to track vessel mortgages.
You can’t cut costs like a third grader picking a snack from a basket. You can’t let your used-car dealer buddy handle layoffs in the corner office. Decisions on who stays and what goes in any institution or aboard any vessel require judgment. Soundbites and unsupported statements don’t instill much confidence in the crew when y’all (and the skipper’s sycophants) are staring at a weather front on the radar.
What bothers me most about there being no rhyme for “orange” is how this country is losing its dignity. The issues we face – immigration, defense spending, infrastructure – are real and worthy of meaningful attention and maybe even harsh change. But some of you put a clown at the helm, and the circus followed. A clown clowns around. And just like in the big top, the clowning distracts from the real set changes – until the curtain lifts and the clown isn’t the distraction anymore. He’s the king.
And yeah, some of you won’t like what I’m saying. But I don’t care. And yeah, you’ll say the other choice wasn’t great either. But really?
Underway and making way. ■
John K. Fulweiler, Esq. is a Proctor-in-Admiralty representing individuals and small businesses in maritime matters including personal injury claims throughout the East and Gulf Coasts and with his office in Newport, Rhode Island. He can be reached at 1-800-383-MAYDAY (6293) or john@saltwaterlaw.com, or visit his website at saltwaterlaw.com.
